Half of Me Page 22

  His expression digs as deep as fishhooks. Jacob sees me. Through all of my shields and walls that I’ve tried to build around myself, he can see right to the core of who I am—the good, the bad, the broken, and every insecurity I try to keep wrapped up so tight. He sees it all. It’s humbling yet freeing to have myself so exposed to someone, to have nowhere to hide my truths.

  “You do, and I’m sorry.” I’m not sure why I express regret, but it feels like I should.

  “Don’t apologize for being who you are. It’s what made me fall for you.” He inches closer. “You always put other people first, Joslyn, and your feelings and emotions come last. You don’t want anyone to see or feel your hurt, you don’t want sympathy, but most of all, I think you don’t want people to feel sorry for you.” He leans forward to capture my eyes with his. “I see you, and I want to understand everything you’ve been through. But, most importantly, I need you to tell me your fears, so I can carry them for you.”

  “Jacob…” Words escape me.

  How did I ever become lucky enough for this man to enter my life? After the countless hardships I’ve been dragged through most of my time on this earth, I wouldn’t trade any of them if they led me to experience what is growing between Jacob and me in this moment. This man sets my soul on fire, and I’d willingly burn to the ground before I walked away from him.

  Jacob’s eyes cling to mine, trying to analyze my reaction. Whatever he finds makes him melt into me, and I absorb everything of him I can.

  Jenna lets out a squeak, drawing us back to the present. I start to gently rock her when my mind finally catches up to reality.

  Swinging my head in his direction, I fix my attention on Jacob. “Oh my gosh. How did it go with your lawyer? Was he able to tell you the results of the paternity test?”

  Shadows cross his features as his gaze seeks Jenna again. He reaches for her, and I willingly give her to him. This will always be my role with his children.

  Jenna protests vocally during the exchange, but once she’s nestled against her daddy’s chest, she quiets and falls instantly asleep. She nuzzles her face into him, and I swear, I see a small smile push up her chubby cheeks.

  Jacob lowers his lips to press a kiss to the top of Jenna’s head and leaves his mouth against her. Remaining mute, he slowly sways from side to side with a deep crease between his brows. Closing his lids, he deeply inhales her scent and holds it until he fixates his eyes on me again. They’re glassy, pooling with moisture, and before I can even think, I jump out of the chair and go to him. My throat feels constricted, and I can’t breathe.

  “No…” The word is a broken denial on my tongue.

  “No, Joslyn. She’s mine. Jenna’s mine.” He clasps my hand in his. “The test was ninety-nine-point-nine percent conclusive. No doubt.”

  I drown in the tears instantly tracking down my cheeks and choke on the sounds trying to escape my mouth. Unable to control myself, I wrap my arms around Jacob and Jenna and let my happiness explode from me and into them.

  “Oh my God. I thought…you made it seem…” I draw back. “Are you sure? She’s yours?” I glance back and forth between the two.

  “She’s mine.” He nods once.

  The smile that grows on my face stretches from ear to ear, and Jacob reflects the sentiment.

  “We need to celebrate,” I say.

  “I agree.” Jacob walks over to the crib to lay Jenna on the soft mattress.

  Her forehead wrinkles, and her features scrunch like she’s going to cry, but then she settles back into slumber.

  Jacob and I stand next to each other, watching her sleep. Peacefulness descends on us as Jacob wraps his arm around my shoulders and pulls me into him.

  “She’s so lovely. Perfect,” I whisper, moved beyond reason at the situation that played out in the last couple of minutes.

  “No matter what ugliness transpired between Juliana and me at the end, I’ll be forever grateful to my deceased wife.” He clutches me harder against him. “She gave me my greatest gifts. Jagger and Jenna are the beauty that came from our ashes.”

  CHAPTER 26

  * * *

  HALF-HOPE, HALF-AGONY

  Things went back to normal in the Ancroft household after the results of the paternity test showed Jacob was without a doubt Jenna’s father. I knew Jacob took several calls from an angry Clay, but Jacob said Clay mostly wanted to keep irritating him, but he wouldn’t take the bait. Jacob had everything he needed, and he said there was nothing Clay could do or say to change the outcome.

  School’s been in full swing for a couple of months, and my classes are kicking my ass and require a lot of extra commitment and time. We’ve had to ask Alexa to watch Jagger and Jenna more often than I prefer, but it’s only for another month or so.

  Things between Jacob and me have been great. Our routine has become like clockwork, and we have a blast playing with the kids. Even though our schedules have become more hectic, we always make time for each other. The four of us always try to eat breakfast together every morning and dinners when we’re lucky, and we plan at least one activity on the weekend. Jacob and I keep up the pretenses of having separate rooms, but most nights, we sleep—I use the term loosely—in his room.

  My work schedule can be a little insane now that I’m getting deeper into my master’s degree, but I love it. Watching my hard work, dedication, and time benefit a family is everything I hoped it would be. It’s hard, and it has its trials, but I don’t dwell on them, and I stay focused on the positive.

  “Joslyn?” Jacob calls as he enters the house.

  The kids are at their grandparents’ tonight, and Jacob and I have a date night planned. It’s been a few weeks since we’ve had any alone time, and we’re both anticipating adult entertainment.

  “I’m in my room!” I dig through the last box of my mom’s that was salvageable from the fire.

  Since our time at Jacob’s cottage, I’ve ignored the fact that I learned I have a sibling roaming the streets out in the wild. I’m not sure if I’ve chosen to do so because I’ve been too busy or too scared of what I might find. But, for some reason, it’s been eating at me the last couple of days, so I decided I would rummage through my mom’s box to see if I could find any other information or clues as to the person’s identity.

  “Hey.” Jacob enters my room and stops when he sees the mess of folders littering my floor. “What did you get into?”

  “I got a hankering to go through the rest of my mom’s stuff.” I crumple a blank piece of paper that was in the box. I toss it at the trash can but don’t even come close to making the shot.

  “On date night?” He sits cross-legged next to me.

  “I wasn’t sure what time you’d be home.” I sift through a few loose papers.

  Jacob leans over and runs his nose up my neck. Taking my earlobe into his mouth, he softly bites down. “If you’d checked your phone, you’d have known exactly when I’d be here.”

  I stop my sorting and scrunch my face. “Oh, shoot. It’s in the kitchen. Sorry.”

  Jacob holds up his hand and tilts my phone back and forth. “So I discovered.”

  I give him a hasty kiss on the mouth and then go back to my frantic rummaging. Jacob’s being too quiet, and when I turn toward him, he’s beaming at me.

  “What?”

  “You’re cute like this. You look all literary librarian. It’s sexy.” He waggles his brows.

  I roll my eyes and grab an odd pink folder among all the uniform black ones. “You’re weird.”

  “You love it, and you know it, LL.” He grasps my thigh.

  “LL?” I glance at him.

  “Literary Librarian.” Jacob leans into my personal space. “Have I mentioned this version of you makes me hot?”

  “Oh God.” I shake my head and huff out a laugh at my playful Jacob. The chuckle dies on my lips when I focus my attention back to the task at hand and start to scan the note I’m holding.

  My eyes go wide, and my arms start to sh
ake, causing the paper to rattle.

  “What is it?” Jacob scoots closer.

  “A note from my sister to my parents, introducing herself.” I toss the first page at Jacob and read the second. “She was graduating college and wanted to meet them, asked them to watch her get her diploma.” I brush back a stray hair from my forehead. “She graduated from Michigan, too.”

  Peeling my eyes away from the paper, I flash Jacob an astonished smile, but his expression has it falling.

  “Did she give her name?” Jacob takes the rest of the papers from my hands and flips to the last page.

  “I don’t know. Does she?” I lean over to see.

  Kindest regards,

  The Adopted Daughter

  “‘The Adopted Daughter’?” I question. “That’s an odd way to sign a letter.”

  “I agree.” He keeps staring at the pages. “Maybe she was hesitant about revealing her name until they agreed to meet her.”

  “Maybe…” I say, unsure.

  “Think about it. It would be hard, putting yourself out there like that, opening up to something like this. She was exposing herself to the possibility of being rejected and hurt by people she obviously wanted to care about her.” He folds the letter and hands it back to me. He won’t look me in the eyes, and scratches his chin, pulls at his hair.

  “What’s wrong?” I arch my eyebrow.

  “Nothing. It’s just, something seems familiar about—”

  Camila’s ringtone interrupts Jacob. My eyes go wide, and an animated grin lights up my face. I reach for my phone but drop it in my excited haste. Jacob shakes his head, retrieves it, and presses the Accept button to kill the loud ringtone vibrating around the room before he hands it to me.

  “Hello?” I say, breathless.

  “Hey, Joslyn. It’s Ben.” His voice is weirdly strained and composed.

  “Is everything okay?”

  “Yeah, yeah. Everything’s fine,” he answers.

  Then, the line goes quiet.

  “Then, why are you acting so strange? Did Camila go into labor?” I rise to my feet and start turning in circles, searching for my purse. When I turn back around, Jacob is holding it out to me. “Thanks,” I whisper to him. I blow him a kiss.

  “Well, that’s why I’m calling.” His voice shakes.

  I stop in the middle of my march down the hallway, and Jacob runs into my back. His hands grab my biceps to steady me.

  “Ben, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?”

  “I know you were supposed to be in the delivery room with us, but”—he clears his throat—“Camila’s labor came on so fast, and the doctors couldn’t slow it down.” There’s mumbling and shuffling in the background.

  “What are you saying, Ben?” I turn to face Jacob.

  He’s studying me, listening to every word of my one-sided conversation.

  “Camila had the baby. I’m so sorry, Joslyn. I know you wanted to be here for the delivery.” He sounds like he’s on the brink of tears.

  My hand flies to my throat, and fear takes hold of every muscle. “Is Camila okay?”

  “Yeah, she’s good.”

  “Is the baby okay?”

  “She’s perfect.” There’s a dreamy yet proud tone to his voice.

  “What the hell, Ben?” I yell.

  “Whoa, whoa. What’d I do?”

  I can tell he’s moved the phone away from his ear.

  “You scared the shit out of me! I thought something was majorly wrong,” I huff.

  “Well, it is. You weren’t here, and Camila and I really wanted you to be.” He sounds unhappy.

  My heart melts in my chest. “I know. I wanted to be there, too.” I jerk my head at Jacob to tell him we need to get moving. “But we’re on our way now. Get off the phone, and go give your beautiful wife and daughter a hug and kiss.”

  Jacob and I climb into his car and back out of the driveway.

  “It is a girl, right? The ultrasound lady earned her salary?”

  “It’s a girl, and we named her Josia after you, just like we said.”

  I squeal. “We’ll see you in twenty minutes. But, Ben?” I yell to catch him before he hangs up.

  “Yeah?”

  “When I get there, that baby’s all mine for at least thirty minutes straight.” I grin.

  “We wouldn’t have it any other way, Jos.” I can hear a smile in Ben’s voice. “Drive safely.” And the line goes silent.

  I sit in my own little bubble of baby. Nothing else matters and can touch me in this moment. Not the fact that I wasn’t here to watch this precious angel enter the world. Not that I was unable to see her placed into Camila’s arms and witness the jubilation on her and Ben’s faces. And I especially don’t think about the fact that my own experience was stolen from me.

  My eyes rake over the perfect bundle of pink swaddled in my arms. I run my fingers over her tiny hands. I touch her face and brush back her head full of dark tendrils. Unable to stop myself, I repeatedly kiss her forehead and cheeks. She’s so tiny and perfect, brand-new. I soak her up and breathe in her freshness and innocence.

  I softly sing “You Are My Sunshine” as I feel her small body relax when she drifts into sleep, her lips making subtle movements. I can sit and stare at her newness and perfection for hours. Her little face scrunches up, even in her state of slumber, and she’s the ideal mix between Camila and Ben. I run my thumb over her smooth skin, unwilling to stop touching her.

  I love this captured time, but it’s not mine. It’s Camila and Ben’s. My protective shield cracks at the realization of how I’ll never have this moment for myself, and the pain feels like it’s suddenly strangling me.

  As close as I am to Camila, as much as I’ve completely fallen in love with this little girl, and as happy as I am for their family, being here, experiencing this, hurts beyond comprehension. It’s like being repeatedly stabbed in the heart and gutted with a serrated knife that leaves gaping wounds that will never heal. I know I’ll fight this battle for the rest of my life, but I don’t have the energy today.

  As unhappy as I am right now, I’m still so excited for this family. I’ll stay involved, and I’ll support them as much as I can along their journey, but here and now, it hurts too damn bad, and I have to leave before I let my melancholy mood ruin their baby bliss.

  Jacob places his hand on my shoulder in reassurance, which means my facial expression is giving my internal battle away. I’ve waited too long.

  I stand, careful not to jostle the sleeping beauty, walk over to a glowing Camila, and place the baby in her mother’s arms.

  “She’s perfect, guys. I’m so happy for you. Congratulations.” I give Camila and Ben a watery smile before I hastily step out the door.

  What’s wrong with me?

  I can’t take a deep breath. My heart is hammering in my chest and ears, drowning out any other sound. Numbness starts to spread throughout my body—fingers, toes, face. I wish it would overtake everything, so I wouldn’t have to feel this overwhelming sorrow piercing me. Concentrating on putting one foot in front of the other, I stagger down the hallway, not confident in which direction I should go.

  “Joslyn.” Jacob’s voice behind me sets a fire to my motion.

  I don’t want to face him. I don’t want to see pity in his eyes. I want to be alone. I need to feel lonely in my grief, to completely fall apart before I have to pull myself back together, so I run, as if the devil himself were chasing me.

  I bust through metal double doors and make it into some outdoor courtyard before Jacob catches me. I’m choking on my tears, gasping in gulp after gulp of fresh air, but nothing heals the gashes bleeding inside me. Bending over, I clutch my stomach before a tortured wail boils in my chest and exits my mouth, echoing against the enclosed space. It doesn’t sound human, and in its wake is emptiness. A gaping hollowness is left inside me that I didn’t know could exist.

  My legs start to give way, and Jacob grabs me.

  “Stop. I don’t need…I don�
�t want…” I try to push him away.

  My tears are increasing, and this is a side of me I don’t want Jacob to witness. There’s grieving a person should do by themselves, and this is something I need to do alone. It’ll be worse having someone—him—try to comfort me from this aching I should have understood would slam into me with an unseen force that feels like a brick wall.

  “I do,” Jacob whispers in my ear as he wraps his arms around me and holds me tightly against him.

  He doesn’t move, just continues to embrace me in spite of my struggling. After a few seconds, I finally relax. I bury my face into him and dig my fingers into his shirt, clenching it with my fists to keep him close.

  “I knew. I already knew…” I cry into his chest.

  “You couldn’t have known, Joslyn. Not really. There’s no way you could’ve been prepared for this.” He softly runs his hand over my hair.

  “I hold babies all the time. It shouldn’t have been that hard!” I hiccup.

  “This one’s different, sweetheart. It’s your friend’s baby, someone you’re close to and who is the same age. This time, the baby is family, and it has to make your circumstances a hell of a lot harder to accept.”

  I continue to sob against him until I completely saturate his shirt with my tears.

  “This is my truth, Jacob. This is my ugly reality, and it’ll never change regardless of how desperately I try to make it.”

  He kisses the top of my head. “Everyone’s truth is angry at some point, but the miraculous part about the human race is that we learn how to survive, despite our rage.”

  I sniffle and wipe at the tears on my cheeks. “I feel like I’m half-hope and half-agony, and I don’t want to feel like half of myself anymore. I want the anguish and disappointment to stop. I want to find the light and to grasp on to it with both hands.”

  Jacob leans back. Touching my chin, he gently lifts it until I’m forced to meet his eyes. “Let me help you find happiness, Joslyn. We can work on discovering it together.” He brushes his thumb over my bottom lip. “We might be the ones who don’t disappoint each other.”